acting secrets

It can be hard to get a good “headshot”to convince people to put you in their acting program but here on a wider shot we can see the surprising secret behind the craft. An acting familiar. In this case a horse. He is my secret acting weapon, Drama Horse, a special horse who is so good at acting that just touching his warm fuzzy head grants the toucher a powerful, residual acting ability. It takes many years (and in my case a lot of hay) to build up this bond but once there it is there to stay. The face I am pulling here would not have been possible without my acting familiar and I am grateful to him.

Acting familiars are the surprising secret behind a lot of successful actors in the industry. Sean Penn famously has a lizard strapped to his back, cleverly concealed under his outfits, Jimmy Stewart had an owl between his legs, whilst Cate Blanchett rides a Buffalo in every scene she does. Once you know it’s easy to spot.

Keep a look out for what other acting familiars actors are using. Write them down in a book. Check it every day. Never lose that book. The government will come for that book and you will have to be ready to fight. They will come in the night. Set traps. When the moment comes to strike, don’t hesitate. Keep writing in that book. If you run out of room make the book bigger somehow. Give it a female name. It’s not weird to do that. When will you know the book is finished? You will know. She will tell you.

Now someone get ALL OF HOLLYWOOD on the phone. I’ve got something they’re going to want to see. (e.g. My acting.)

Back to you Americarnage

Forgot to mention on here that I guested for the second time on the American Sports podcast Americarnage. I am a (slightly unlikely) NFL fan although at the time of the recording I will admit I had only seen two games all season but nevertheless I was incredible and changed the face of online broadcasting once again. If you would like to listen to me push heroically through the famously difficult sophomore guest spot, head to http://americarnage.co.uk/ and look for the episode “Cover My Election Wed, 07 Nov 2012″

Or use the handy links below:

http://traffic.libsyn.com/americarnage/americarnage061112.mp3

http://itunes.apple.com/gb/podcast/americarnage/id420998252

Or just ask someone in the street. Everyone’s talking about it

Big House

I recently spent a very fine weekend in Norwich drinking Prosecco and googling train times. At one point Robin Clyfan (male) mentioned an idea for a video and such was our giddy excitement that we only went and filmed it that very day. Here it is, an ode to the human spirit and a warning for us all:


Hopefully I will return to Big House Norwich soon and shoot some more (films)

Are women becoming TOO funny? (And is it time for a cull?)

Are women becoming TOO funny? (And is it time for a cull?)

“Women” (pronounced “wee – men”) It seems like they are everywhere these days; shops, barns, even the local barn shop (where you buy barns.) They have infiltrated famously male establishments; Homebase, dog carts, the penis circus, you bloody name it! Now to add insult to injury, you can’t turn on the TV for fear of occasionally seeing one as guest on a panel show. It’s bad enough that they make up nearly one third of the population without now being one of a possible four guests on a show. As a British man I find myself uniquely placed to pass judgement on issues regarding “women” in comedy, the thorniest issue of the day since (add a joke here about gardening roses etc.) So, for the good of this fine country let me strap on my writing gloves and throw some hefty word punches at the question; To what level “women” have recently become funny and should we should be moving to stop them?

First the facts: The first “woman” to be funny can be traced all the way back to the Roman times when, even though “women” were not allowed to be citizens they would occasionally daub a humorous scene onto a vase, often depicting well known celebrities of the time like (insert names of Roman celebrities here) in situations that would not be entirely flattering to said celebrity. Jump forward a few hundred years and are things so very different? Women still don’t have the vote and vases are the number Christmas present for the wise and powerful. But look closely at modern “woman”, hello, and you will see a more insidious side to their carefree jokes… THEY ALL HATE MEN!

Now look, I think we can all agree that a small amount of funny women is important for the natural balance of things and no doubt helps boost the flagging tourist industry (thanks WEATHER!?!) But it now seems that nearly one in every five “women” has developed some sort of sense of humour (thanks EVOLUTION?!?) and in my mind that is dangerous not just for the world as a whole but more importantly for me as a, yes I daresay it when did it become a crime to say it, MAN.

There are obvious difficulties with “women” trying to do comedy. Firstly the jokes sometimes get caught up in their lovely, long hair and never make it to the microphone. Added to that that women all have babies once a year and it all adds up to a quick appointment with Dr. Problems. Another popular charge against “women” is that they only do jokes about the impact of climate change on the migration patterns of birds. An old argument I know but still! How many times have you been at a comedy night and, when it’s announced there is a female comic or two on the bill, have you heard a voice from the crowd mumble “oh God, they’ll probably just go on about migration patterns in birds and how climate change is affecting them… again!” Worse still, how often does this turn out to be actually true? Now don’t get me wrong, there are some great jokes about migrational patterns out there but come on ladies, what about the other important topics of the day like sport and punching each other’s balls and beer cars, which are cars run on beer plus also cars made from beer plus also darts and then also other sportz again and what’s up with women am I right fellas and you know… NORMAL STUFF.??!!?!

I’m not the first person in the world to say there are too many female comedians but am I perhaps the first to suggest a cull? It’s hard to say for certain, I haven’t done any research beyond my own indignation but it seems pretty likely. What I HAVE done though is an actual experiment on mice and here are my findings: If you make a mouse watch “women” comedy routines on youtube he (or she?!?) will become racist. It’s a big claim and one I can’t back up but one I stand by. How can I tell if the mouse is now racist? Sometimes, you just know. NOW imagine immediately that mouse is actually a human child (come on, try harder than that) and you begin to understand the sheer scale of the problems we face here as a nation.

This then, amongst other more personal reasons, is why I have set up traps to neutralise any “women” who think that just because they are funny and smell nice and seem genuinely interested in you but then, like everyone else, they just leave… that they can GET AWAY WITH IT ALL. Plus look, I have put a BOMB on Ally McBeal and I’m not even kidding this time. And the next time a “women” tries to activate Ally McBeal then they will be blown higher than (insert joke here about a famous stoner)

Stick to what you are best at “women,” remembering other people’s birthdays. And leave the jokes to men. We are really good at it the whole time. For example:

Me: Knock Knock

You: Who’s there please?

Me: A “woman”

You: GO AWAY

Me:

You:

Me:

You: I’m sorry, I didn’t… are you there still? It’s just, I feel so lost sometimes and, I think maybe you understand me and if I promise not to do any weird stuff can I sleep in your bed? I just can’t be alone tonight.

Stand Up 2 Cancer with The Hoff

Was very lucky on Sunday morning to get to film with David Hasselhoff playing he role of “cancer” to my “man in lift” He was very excited to meet me and demanded we have this photo taken. It was to film some sketches as part of Channel 4 and Cancer Research UK’s “Stand Up To Cancer” which is culminating in a big night of live comedy and other worldly delights on Channel 4 some time in October. I’ll be sure to tweet about it and more details can be found here. http://www.standuptocancer.org.uk/

The suit is models own bought at a car boot sale the day before. I told the man I bought it off that it would appear in a sketch with The Hoff but he didn’t seem too excited. Bit weird.

ACMS – Soho Run

ACMS – Soho Run

Tom Bell would like to draw your attention to the finest gig in London, the Alternative Comedy Memorial Society. Birthplace of all my best/worst live material. There is a great line up for one of the most rewarding, friendly and reckless shows you’ll ever witness. I am brewing up something special for it too. Next one is Monday Sept 24th 2012

ACMS – Soho Run

Tom Bell would like to draw your attention to the finest gig in London, the Alternative Comedy Memorial Society. Birthplace of all my best/worst live material. There is a great line up for one of the most rewarding, friendly and reckless shows you’ll ever witness. I am brewing up something special for it too. Next one is Monday Sept 24th 2012

http://www.sohotheatre.com/whats-on/the-alternative-comedy-memorial-society/