Are women becoming TOO funny? (And is it time for a cull?)
“Women” (pronounced “wee – men”) It seems like they are everywhere these days; shops, barns, even the local barn shop (where you buy barns.) They have infiltrated famously male establishments; Homebase, dog carts, the penis circus, you bloody name it! Now to add insult to injury, you can’t turn on the TV for fear of occasionally seeing one as guest on a panel show. It’s bad enough that they make up nearly one third of the population without now being one of a possible four guests on a show. As a British man I find myself uniquely placed to pass judgement on issues regarding “women” in comedy, the thorniest issue of the day since (add a joke here about gardening roses etc.) So, for the good of this fine country let me strap on my writing gloves and throw some hefty word punches at the question; To what level “women” have recently become funny and should we should be moving to stop them?
First the facts: The first “woman” to be funny can be traced all the way back to the Roman times when, even though “women” were not allowed to be citizens they would occasionally daub a humorous scene onto a vase, often depicting well known celebrities of the time like (insert names of Roman celebrities here) in situations that would not be entirely flattering to said celebrity. Jump forward a few hundred years and are things so very different? Women still don’t have the vote and vases are the number Christmas present for the wise and powerful. But look closely at modern “woman”, hello, and you will see a more insidious side to their carefree jokes… THEY ALL HATE MEN!
Now look, I think we can all agree that a small amount of funny women is important for the natural balance of things and no doubt helps boost the flagging tourist industry (thanks WEATHER!?!) But it now seems that nearly one in every five “women” has developed some sort of sense of humour (thanks EVOLUTION?!?) and in my mind that is dangerous not just for the world as a whole but more importantly for me as a, yes I daresay it when did it become a crime to say it, MAN.
There are obvious difficulties with “women” trying to do comedy. Firstly the jokes sometimes get caught up in their lovely, long hair and never make it to the microphone. Added to that that women all have babies once a year and it all adds up to a quick appointment with Dr. Problems. Another popular charge against “women” is that they only do jokes about the impact of climate change on the migration patterns of birds. An old argument I know but still! How many times have you been at a comedy night and, when it’s announced there is a female comic or two on the bill, have you heard a voice from the crowd mumble “oh God, they’ll probably just go on about migration patterns in birds and how climate change is affecting them… again!” Worse still, how often does this turn out to be actually true? Now don’t get me wrong, there are some great jokes about migrational patterns out there but come on ladies, what about the other important topics of the day like sport and punching each other’s balls and beer cars, which are cars run on beer plus also cars made from beer plus also darts and then also other sportz again and what’s up with women am I right fellas and you know… NORMAL STUFF.??!!?!
I’m not the first person in the world to say there are too many female comedians but am I perhaps the first to suggest a cull? It’s hard to say for certain, I haven’t done any research beyond my own indignation but it seems pretty likely. What I HAVE done though is an actual experiment on mice and here are my findings: If you make a mouse watch “women” comedy routines on youtube he (or she?!?) will become racist. It’s a big claim and one I can’t back up but one I stand by. How can I tell if the mouse is now racist? Sometimes, you just know. NOW imagine immediately that mouse is actually a human child (come on, try harder than that) and you begin to understand the sheer scale of the problems we face here as a nation.
This then, amongst other more personal reasons, is why I have set up traps to neutralise any “women” who think that just because they are funny and smell nice and seem genuinely interested in you but then, like everyone else, they just leave… that they can GET AWAY WITH IT ALL. Plus look, I have put a BOMB on Ally McBeal and I’m not even kidding this time. And the next time a “women” tries to activate Ally McBeal then they will be blown higher than (insert joke here about a famous stoner)
Stick to what you are best at “women,” remembering other people’s birthdays. And leave the jokes to men. We are really good at it the whole time. For example:
Me: Knock Knock
You: Who’s there please?
Me: A “woman”
You: GO AWAY
You: I’m sorry, I didn’t… are you there still? It’s just, I feel so lost sometimes and, I think maybe you understand me and if I promise not to do any weird stuff can I sleep in your bed? I just can’t be alone tonight.